TVOD (26.3.07.)

Yep, it's time to take a look at what's coming down your tube this week, with me acting as a kind of opinionated remote control.

MONDAY: Again with The Sopranos (11pm, Channel 4). Tonight's episode is a 'funny one', including such capers as Paulie (Tony Sirico) finding out a shocking secret from the past, Bobby Bacala (Steve R. Schirripa) shooting a wannabe gangster rapper and lots of metaphysical stuff about the interconnectivity of all things. Hilarity ensues.

Over on ITV1, there's the second part of Mobile (9pm), which I probably won't watch because I missed the first, but by all accounts, it's better than your standard ITV drama. Plus, someone I know is in it, but that's another story. Elsewhere, Michael makes a break for Panama in Prison Break (Five, 10pm) and Heroes (Sci-Fi Channel, 10pm)does one of those character development episodes, but this being Heroes, there's a lot more going on than that may suggest. Look out for Hiro (Masi Oka) and D.L. (Leonard Roberts) joining forces to save a woman from a car-wreck and the strange, incongruous, Mychael Danna-esque Eastern music that soundtracks Claire (Hayden Panettiere) chasing her brother around the front garden.

TUESDAY: Not much on tonight really. Well, there's Battlestar Galactica (Sky One, 9pm), but I'm nowhere near up-to-date with that yet. On the curiosity front, there's Marbella Belles (ITV1, 10pm), which, judging by the clips on TV Burp on Saturday, should be at the very least fist-chewingly entertaining. On Channel 4 at 11.40pm, there's a documentary called The Crippendales. One can only guess what that's about. If someone can pinpoint the exact moment that Channel 4 started to dumb down, do you reckon we could do a system restore on it?

There's always The Wire (FX, 10pm), which gets better with every passing week. Last week's was a doozy, seeing an end to the mayoral election storyline which has taken up a huge chunk of the start of the fourth season. The look on Carcetti's face when he found out he had won was less "Great, now I can start making this city a better place" and more "Holy fuck, what have I done?!". Cue the gradual erosion of Carcetti's morals as absolute power (at least in Baltimore) corrupts him absolutely.

WEDNESDAY: "You're fired!". I'll never get tired of saying that. Such a zeitgeist-nailing catchphrase. Anyway, poor-man's Donald Trump, SIR Alan Sugar launches a new series of The Apprentice tonight on BBC1 (9pm). It's mind-boggling who they give a business degree to these days, so let's all sit agog as the drones are paraded in front of us, all business 'smarts' and no common sense. Look at them! The fucking idiots!

It's either that or My Man Boobs And Me (BBC3, 9pm), as we all know that England play again tonight. I think the man boobs are a more inviting option, to be honest.

THURSDAY: BBC4 shows the first of a couple of interesting looking, music-skewing documentaries tonight, with Storyville: Screamers (10.30pm), which takes a look at the Armenian genocide by the Ottoman Empire in 1915 through the songs and actions of System Of A Down. Sounds like it might be a little tenuous but worthy and possibly engaging all the same.

Channel 4 has a humdinger of a double-bill tonight. At 9, there's Mummy's War, in which Carol Thatcher visits the Falklands on the 25th anniversary of the pointless, fruitless conflict her mother waged. Headline-grabbing stuff (it did actually make the front pages in Argentina) and sensationalist to a fault, but do we really need the offspring of arguably the most damaging PM this country has ever seen picking at her mum's old scabs?

After that, there's the Irvine Welsh-penned one-off comedy-drama, Wedding Belles (10pm), which looks as though it might actually deliver on its 'Trainspotting with women' premise. Michelle Gomez (The Book Group, Green Wing) stars.

FRIDAY: "I-I just took a ride/On a silver machine/And I'm still feeling meeean!". BBC4 are showing Hawkwind: Do Not Panic (9pm), about the legendary and enduring acid-rockers. Any programme that promises an interview with Lemmy has got to be worth watching.

Elsewhere, there's The U.S. Vs. John Lennon (BBC2, 11.35pm) and you lot going out for payday.

SATURDAY: Well, there's TV Burp (ITV1, 5.30pm), before ITV say bollocks to original programming and show a Harry Potter film instead.

Everywhere else, there's the usual substandard Saturday night fare, but Sky Arts is forging a path as a Saturday night haven for the intelligent amongst us. Tonight, they're showing Moog (10pm), which is a bit of a thin documentary, but hey, it's better than nowt.

SUNDAY: Lost (Sky One, 10pm) has really picked up the pace in the last couple of episodes, but it's hard to see where they're going to go with the whole Locke's-dad-bound-and-gagged-in-an-airing-cupboard thing. The fuck's all that about?! In 24 (Sky One, 9pm), Acting President Powers Boothe looks to continue menacing his way into a war with the Middle East over fudged information. Sound familiar?

Over on BBC2, Louis Theroux Meets The Most Hated Family In America (9pm) looks like it could be a good watch, although The Phelps', a family who picket the funerals of soldiers and gay pride events, preaching their belief that "God hates fags", might be a bit too much of an easy target. We'll see if Louis still has the cojones to tear them the new arsehole that they deserve.

TV ON THE INTERNET

One of my favourite Big Train sketches, The Artist Formerly Known As Prince hunting for jockeys.

The point where I realised that The Wire was the best TV show in the history of television, Bunk and McNulty investigate an old crime scene and communicate solely using the word "fuck" or variations thereon.

Needs no introduction; Mr Show: The Story Of Everest